"When they first started to date, Grant told Tracy he wanted to be 'just friends'. Tracy was happy with the arrangement. But then, after about a month of going out together, their relationship began to change. It happened slowly and seemed natural enough….Grant first put his arm around her shoulder and kept it there. Later that evening Tracy wondered again what was happening between them when Grant gave her a good-night kiss….the question crossed her mind: Weren't we going to be 'just friends'? But then, in the warmth of the moment, she put the thought behind her. Within a couple of weeks, Grant's and Tracy's physical relationship had moved….They weren't merely pecking each other on the mouth. Their kisses lingered. And Grant's hand, which he'd been so careful that first night never to let stray from Tracy's shoulder, now began gliding down to the small of her back, to her side, to her hips….at the end of a date about seven months into their relationship, he remarked, 'Well, Tracy. I've really enjoyed our relationship, but this is going to have to be the last time we see each other for a while. I've begun seeing Brenda.' 'Huh?!' said Tracy, startled. 'What! What are you saying?' 'Tracy, I told you six months ago that I wanted to be your friend', Grant pleaded. 'I told you I was making no commitments.' 'No commitments!' Tracy shouted. 'No commitments!' You…..!' Tears welled in her eyes as Tracy felt the bitter sting of betrayal. How natural and innocent Grant made it sound: 'I never said…….' And yet he had said, hadn't he? By his actions.' (Dating With Integrity, John Holzmann pp. 59-60).
The above example illustrates how physical contact communicates an inferred commitment. As Christians, we have the obligation to avoid this kind of deception. We must refuse to communicate promises, that we don't mean, want, or intend to fulfill. If we are simply dating like people in the world date, then it is very easy to play with people's emotions, string people along, and get the most out of the relationship for ourselves until we tire of the person we are dating. Points To Note: 1. Christians need to avoid deception, guile, and lying in this realm also: "laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor" (Ephesians 4:25); "Therefore, putting aside all malice and all guile…" (1 Peter 2:1), "Rid yourselves therefore of…all deceitfulness" (Wey). The book of Proverbs has quite a bit to say about being honest and avoiding dishonestly: Proverbs 26:19 "So is the man who deceives his neighbor, and says, 'Was I not joking?'". "Proverbs, with its emphasis on the duty of forethought, does not countenance escape-clauses…least of all the plea: 'I meant no harm, I never thought…'" (Kidner p. 164). Proverbs 12:20 "Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil"; 10:10 "He who winks the eye causes trouble". This last verse infers that deception also has a non-verbal form, if a tiny gesture can give the wrong impression, thus leading to trouble and harm for someone, how much more sexually motivated physical contact with the opposite sex? 2. In dating young men and women need to be honest and up front. "The moment Grant first put his arm around her, she should have said, 'Uh-h-h, Grant? I thought we were going to be 'just friends'. I don't think 'just friends' do this kind of thing'. It would have cleared the air real fast-no assumptions, no implications and inferences" (Holzman p. 68). A relationship based assumptions, will probably result in somebody getting burned.
Many people, even older people make the mistake of failing to distinguish between their emotional state, their feelings and their level of commitment. Jesus wanted to make sure that the people who became Christians did so from a real level of commitment, rather than acting in response to some emotional high (Luke 8:13 "when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no firm root; they believe for a while, and in time of temptation fall away"; 14:25-26; 9:57-62; Proverbs 20:6 "Many a man proclaims his own loyalty, but who can find a trustworthy man?" Young people need to be very careful about telling one of the opposite sex that they love them, when what they really mean is that they are physically or romantically attracted to them this week or month. "Brothers and sisters do everything in their power to avoid leading each other on, misleading each other, or distracting each other from those matters that are of greatest significance" (Holzmann p. 81). Proverbs 25:19 "Like a bad tooth and an unsteady foot is confidence in a faithless man in time of trouble". I would like to see young people avoid breaking the hearts of others unnecessarily. If you aren't interested in someone then don't lead them on, don't play with the emotions of another human being. Don't carelessly throw around the phrase, 'I love you'. Keep your emotions to yourself until the point that you are really ready to make a definite commitment. I don't think it is really wise to pour out your heart to a person, or let that person know all the desires that you have for them---when you're not even sure if you are going to like them a week or month from now.
Psalm 141:3 "Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips"; Ephesians 4:29 "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification…."; 5:4 "there must be no filthiness or silly talk, or coarse jesting"-"suggestive jesting". "You have no business talking about your wayward desires to the woman or man toward whom your desire is pulling you!" (Holzmann p. 85). Hence it's not very smart to say to someone you are dating, "Every time I see you, I go weak inside. I'm crazy with desire for you." Points To Note: 1. While it isn't true in very case, such statements are often made by someone who is testing the water or on a fishing expedition. They aren't going to come right out and say, "Let's make out", but they are shrewdly attempting to determine if such thoughts are also on your mind. 2. Instead of trying to tempt each other, Christians should attempt to strengthen each other and build each other up. If a young man or young man attempts to lead their date down the wrong path, they should be corrected (1 Thess. 5:14). 3. Lest anyone ridicule the idea that two young Christians should enjoy spending time talking about wholesome and spiritual things, one needs to read again the following passage, "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things" (Philippians 4:8). 4. And beware of the person who while pretending to be interested in talking about the Bible, spends his or her time trying to undermine your confidence in the Scriptures, in God's standard of morality, etc….."For certain persons have crept in unnoticed….ungodly persons who turn the grace of our God into licentiousness" (Jude 4). 5. If someone tries to convince you that premarital sexual relations aren't wrong and so on, would you please tell your parents? And parents, if such persists the elders need to know when a false teacher is among the flock (Acts 20:29-30).
"People ask, 'How can you get to know another person, especially get to know them when, if you never spend time alone with them?' I answer: There are few subjects two people cannot talk about in the middle of a group, while walking down the sidewalk, or while sitting in a room where the door is open and another person could walk in at any time….Privacy doesn't require being alone, away from other humans, in a darkened car or locked room…..In fact, I know of no situations in non-marriage relationships requiring closed or locked doors….empty apartments, or lonely spots away from other human beings" (Holzmann p. 146). Two writers noted that long time periods alone together have the tendency to discharge the moral batteries of both individuals. Young Christians need to learn that part of the Christian life is not only resisting temptation, but also there is the great need of realizing that we can make things either easier or harder upon ourselves when it comes to living a pure life. The Christian who doesn't study, pray or spend meaningful time with other Christians is going to find it harder to live the Christian life (2 Peter 1:8-9).
Sadly, we have often allowed the world to define the meaning of a date. But a Friday night at the movies, isn't the only time that two people can spend together. Actually, it is hard to have any meaningful conversation at the movies. Don't allow yourself to get locked into the world's definition of a good time. Practical Application: How about you and your date spending a Saturday morning doing some yard work for an older member in the congregation? Spending a Friday night at the home of a mature and spiritual couple. Going out with your parents? Visiting those with chronic illnesses? Spending time trying to teach someone who isn't a Christian? Going to a gospel meeting? Learning how to cook or work on a car from an older and knowledgeable member? Being involved in some community project? Organizing some event for other young people your age? Be impressed that going out to the movies and going out to eat is just a fraction of real life. Almost anyone can appear to be charming and nice when in a pleasant surrounding, being catered to by others and on their best behavior.
Christians need to remind themselves of the following verses, "For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body" (1 Corinthians 6:20); "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and delivered Himself up for me" (Galatians 2:20). It is so easy to forget that the One who truly owns you, and should own your heart, mind, thoughts, emotions, etc….is God. And then there are your parents, to whom you owe respect, honor and obedience (Ephesians 6:1-2). You also have obligations to fellow Christians (Hebrews 10:24). Way down on the list is a boyfriend or girlfriend. When you are dating someone, you need to make it clear that God is the supreme object of your affections, and that God owns you. Any attempt on their part to control how much time you can spend with God, your parents or the people of God will likely be the end of whatever relationship you have with them.